Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

was blind, but now, I see.

 

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear,

And Grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

the hour I first believed?

 

So many dangers, toils and snares

we have already come.

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far

and Grace will lead us home.

 

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures.

He will my sheild and portion be

as long as life endures.

 

When we've been here ten thousnad years

bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

then when we've first begun.

 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now am found,

was blind, but now, I see.

 

有感于一位好友最近与父母之间的摩擦，与自己的感受和应对虽然不尽相同，但是也有很强的共鸣。事件大致相同，我们各自的父母都怒我们不争，声色俱厉，口不择言，伤了我们的心。我选择了忍耐，朋友选择了反驳。朋友知道如此一定会让父母伤心，但是TA说完全克制不住自己，那一刻只想伤害他们，因为他们让自己痛了，所以也要让他们尝到同样的痛。我十分了解朋友的感受，因为我也有过这样的“就是想要伤害他们”的时候。父母总是觉得训斥孩子是天经地义的，好像说什么话出来都不要紧，可是孩子其实也会伤心。我也被我的父母伤过心，所以我明白。虽然我选择忍耐，但那只是因为伤害他们比伤害我自己更甚。我不舍得。有的时候，反唇相讥的话就在嘴边，可是最后我还是生生咽了下去。我宁愿它们变成眼泪从我眼里流出来。我为自己曾经产生过想要伤害他们的念头而流泪。可是我想，他们或许不曾没有意识到，子女做的事情，与父母从来都是息息相关的。为什么你变成了今天这个样子?父母总是痛心而惊愕的说。我想说，我并不是第一天变成这个样子的，也不是一个人捣腾成这个样子的，不要说得好象你们从来被蒙在鼓里，20多年后的今天才发现了真相。我没有能够成为你们希望的样子，是因为我违抗了你们的意愿，也是因为你们没有能够贯彻你们的设想。我的不尽如人意，证明我没有能够突破自我，但它也体现了你们的局限。先天的基因和天赋，是你们给的；后天的教育和环境，也是你们提供的。无论人的成长和成就是由先天决定还是后天决定，你们都参与其中。在我还懵懂弱小不能分辨是非的时候，你们为我选择了，吸取什么知识，掌握什么技能，结交什么朋友，重视什么，忽视什么。你们的选择成为了我人格的一部分，成为了我如今做出选择的基础。《Great Expectation》中，Estella就对她的养母说过，您指望我成为什么样的女儿？是您把我养育成了现在这个样子！你们问我为什么如今成了这个样子，我想反问你们：如果这样的我不是你们希望的，为什么你们没有从以前就竭力阻止？为什么你们没有在我第一次让你们不满意的时候就提高警惕采取行动？难道说我应该负全部的责任？难道这一切都是我的错？可是你们也是共犯，所以请不要如此置身事外地指责我伤害我。既然你们过去选择姑息，现在就没有资格不接受。

最近看了田中机械的《亲吻前，结婚后》。这个漫画家一向以描写生活的点滴温情为风格。直觉上我觉得TA是个女人，因为TA创作的男主人公实在太符合我的理想。一般来说，男性作家很难做到这一点，大多时候，他们要么猜不准女人的心思，要么猜准了又不屑于满足。以前也看过几部她的作品，这部《亲吻前、结婚后》实在是我的最爱，或者说，我觉得它非常准确地演绎了我心目中的浪漫。浪漫不能是默默无闻的，必须宣之于口，但也不能是哗众取宠的，用不着叫嚣。这部漫画描写的就是这样的浪漫，所以它比我看过的众多王子公主、前世今生、命中注定、青春年少、纠缠不休、身心俱疲、两败俱伤都更缠绵。现在回头想想，小时候在启蒙阶段所看的那些动辄就能毁灭两个星球的爱情，实在挺煞风景的。

 

不过总的来说，对漫画的兴趣渐渐淡了。大约高中毕业的时候，就有些征兆。进了大学，我尝试着发展一下自己对于BL的兴趣。因为以前从未在这个领域有所涉猎，所以也算维持了一段时间的阅读量。不过事实证明，我无法对BL感到狂热，所以它也只是暂缓了我对漫画的疏远，也就是一个回光返照吧。算算自己也看了大约10年的漫画，如今旧情不再，让我感到有些怅怅，虽然是我自己变的心。不过我确实有“把所有的漫画都看绝了“的感觉，厌倦是不可避免的了。想想妈妈自始至终都把漫画书称作“小人书”，把我画的漫画称作为“人人头”，就觉得好笑。不过如果没有漫画，我大概找不到任何东西来证明我是个有长性、能坚持的人。

听闻Kate Winslet赢得Oscar Best Actress for A Leading Role 的时候，想起了Holst的《行星组曲》中的第四乐章《木星》。我想以这首曲子的荡气回肠，庆贺这位女演员以多年的汗水和艰辛筑就，让人感慨万千而又无以言表的荣耀。

 

 

我终于屏不住，换了一个主题。这个主题以前我也试图换过一次，但是没有坚持多久。本想换一个非常流行的全黑的主题，可是发现这样一来以前的字体颜色根本无法辨认。要我把所有的文章的字体颜色都换成白色，不高兴。

 

最近的日子在一片紊乱中有序的进行，只有我一个人在那里不明所以。笔记本的显示器坏了。原本，它被病毒搞得乌烟瘴气，我忍；网线接口松脱，我忍；硬盘嘎吱作响，我再忍。总想着，又不是不能用，又何必拿去修。如今，显示屏雪花一片，我终于忍无可忍了。想想真是莫名其妙，前一分钟还清晰无比，不过是去了一下洗手间，回来就不行了！？不过我还是不打算去修，把它往抽屉里面一扔。雪藏你！我就不信还有一年我没有你就过不了日子了！

 

饶是我在笔记本电脑上栽了这么大个跟头，按理说攒了不少人品，找实习仍然一片迷茫。好不容易捱到了HSBC的面试吧，第一个面试官进来递上来一张名片，我也没顾上看。面试期间，我忍不住跟她说，我对investment banking不是特别有兴趣。没想到她一下子来了兴致，细细地问我为什么。我以为遇上知音，也就细细地说。结果等到一轮结束，我再看那张名片，差点厥过去：刚刚那人是investment banking的董事！天雷……雷得我当场浑浑噩噩，不知身在何方……下次再拿到名片，一定要先瞄上一眼，知己知彼，才能百战不殆……

 

于是面试完了的那天晚上，我做了一个可谓奇思妙想的梦。隐隐约约的，梦里有人告诉我，要找到工作必须强身健体，于是我就决定去踩自行车。照说我是个初学者，可不知为什么在健身房里面踩了几下，就被拉去参加奥运会的单车项目比赛。在梦里，我竟然还觉得这是理所当然舍我其谁的！（不可思议，以我的运动神经……）然后就去参赛了。可不知为何，赛场被放在了没有非机动车道的香港，而且也没有交通管制，汽车都在路上乱开。面对这种情况，所有参赛者没有一个提出异议，就开始了。骑着骑着，我们一群参赛者居然骑到了一幢大楼里面，然后在这幢大楼的消防楼梯里面乱窜。我终于渐渐开始觉得不对，以我的体力，何以到这个时候仍然脸不红气不喘？神奇的是，我这么一怀疑，就真的开始觉得气喘如牛，心如鹿撞。就在此时，脑中突然响了，我睁开眼的时候，心还在那里怦怦直跳。都是找实习害的！

 

 

 

 

 

It is not customary in England, Miss Worsley, for a young lady to speak with such enthusiasm of any person of the opposite sex. English women conceal their feelings till after they are married. They show them then.

I don’t think England should be represented abroad by an unmarried man, Jane. It might lead to complications.

I think to elope is cowardly. It’s running away from danger. And danger has become so rare in modern life.

The on advantage of playing with fire, Lady Caroline, is that one never gets even singed. It is the people who don’t know how to play with it who get burned up.

-…She is very pretty, is she not?
-Far too pretty. These American girls carry off all the god matches. Why can’t they stay in their own country? They are always telling us it is the Paradise of women.
-It is , Lady Caroline. That is why, like Eve, they are so extremely anxious to get out of it.

-Dear Mr. Cardew is ruining the country. I wonder Mrs. Cardew allows him. I am sure, Lord Illingworth, you don’t think that uneducated people should be allowed to have votes?
-I think they are the only people who should.

One should never take sides in anything, Mr. Kelvit. Taking sides is the beginning of sincerity, and earnestness follows shortly afterwards, and the human being becomes a bore.

One should sympathize with the joy, the beauty, the color of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.

-May I ask, Lord Illingworth, if you regard the House of Lords as a better institution than the House of Common?
-A much better institution, of course. We in the House of Lords are never in touch with public opinion. That makes us a civilized body.
-Are you sincerely putting forward such a view?
-Quite serious. Vulgar habit that is people have nowadays of asking one, after one has given them an idea, whether on is serious or not. Nothing is serious except passion. The intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been. It is an instrument on which on plays, that is all.

-Curious thing, plain women are always jealous of their husbands, beautiful women never are.
-Beautiful women never have time. They are always so occupied in being jealous of other people’s husbands.
-I should have thought Lady Caroline would have grown in tire of conjugal anxiety by this time. Sir John is her fourth.
-So much marriage is certainly not becoming. Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
-Twenty years of romance. Is there such a thing?
-Not in our days. Women have become too brilliant. Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.
-or the want of it in man.

-Is she a mystery?
-She is more than a mystery-she is a mood.
-Moods don’t last.
-It’s their chief charm.

-Don’t find yourself longing for a London dinner-party?
-I dislike London dinner-parties.
-I adore them. The clever people never listen, and the stupid people never talk.
-Ah, I never listen.

-One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell anything.
-She is a Puritan beside-
-Ah, that is inexcusable. I don’t mind plain women being Puritans. It is the only excuse they have for being plain. But she is decidedly pretty. I admire her immensely.
-What a thoroughly bad man you must be!
-What do you call a bad man?
-The sort of man who admires innocence.
-And a bad woman?
-Oh! The sort of woman a man never gets tired of.

-The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in the garden.
-It ends with Revelation.

Mrs. Allonby:
I don’t think we should ever be spoken of as other people’s property. All men are married women’s property. That is the only true definition of what married women’s property really is. But we don’t belong to anyone.

Lady Hunstanton :
…I am told that, nowadays, all the married(men) live like bachelors, and all the bachelors like married men.

Life is simply a mauvais quart d’heure made up of exquisite moments. (mauvais quart d’heure: a bad quarter of an hour)

Mrs. Allonby:
Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man’s last romance.

Lady Caroline:
Oh, women have become so highly educated, Jane, that nothing should surprise us nowadays, except happy marriages.

Mrs. Allonby:
The ideal man. Oh, the ideal man should talk to us as if we were goddesses, and treat us as if we were children. He should refuse all our serious request, and gratify every one of our whims. He should encourage us to have caprices, and forbid us to have mission. He should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says.

Mrs. Arbuthnot:
When a man is old enough to do wrong he should be old enough to do right also.

Lord Illingworth:
My dear Rachel, I must candidly say that I think Gerald’s future considerably more important them your past.
Mrs. Arbuthnot:
Gerald cannot separate his future from my past.

Mrs. Arbuthnot:
He was not discounted till he met you. You have made him so.
Lord Illingworth:
Of course, I made him so. Discounting is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation. But I did not leave him with a mere longing for things he could not get. No, I made him a charming offer. He jumped at it, I need hardly say. Any young man would. And now, simply because it turns out that I am the boy’s own father and he my own son, you propose practically to ruin his career. That is to say, if I were a perfect stranger, you would allow Gerald to go away with me, but as he is my own flesh and blood you won’t. How utterly illogical you are!

Lord Illingworth:
if a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough; and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is bad for him.

Lord Illingworth:
I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.

Lord Illingworth:
Remember that you’ve got on your side the most wonderful thing in the world-youth. There is nothing like youth. The middle-aged are mortgaged to Life. The old are in Life’s lumber-room. But youth is the Lord of Life. Youth has a kingdom waiting for it. Every one is born a king, and most people die in exile, like most kings.

Lord Illingworth:
Talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you, and at the end of your first season you will have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact.

Lord Illingworth:
To get into a society, nowadays, on has either to feed people, amuse people, or shock people-that is all.

Gerald:
It is very difficult to understand women, is it not?
Lord Illingworth:
You should never try to understand them. Women are picture. Men are problems. If you want to know what a woman really means-which, by the way, is always a dangerous thing to do-look at her, don’t listen to her.

Lord Illingworth:
To the philosopher, women represent the triumph of matter over mind-just as men represent the triumph of matter over morals.

Lord Illingworth:
every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.

Lord Illingworth:
Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

Lord Illingworth:
When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself. And one ends by deceiving other. That is what the world calls a romance.

Lord Illingworth:
…I want you to know how to live. For the world has been made by fools that wise men should live in it.

Lord Illingworth:
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

 --to be continued.

 

                                                                                                             ——How Do I Love Thee, Browning